Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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