Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
