I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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