i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
