I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am puke
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
