Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
