She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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