Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
