I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
