The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
