I am in a vortex of obligation.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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