It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
