On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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