Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
