Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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