i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize