I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
