i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I met the friendliest cop last night
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
