I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
