All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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