two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize