I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
