i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
