just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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