just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
