chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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