im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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