Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
