Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
