I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
