4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
