I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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