A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
