And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
