Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
