he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
