Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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