More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
