I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
