I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
