this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
