Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
