I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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