hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
