as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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