im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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