sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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