why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
