Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
