also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
