I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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