look no pants
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
