She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
They took my balls.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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