so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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