I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
