apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
