The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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