I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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