How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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