I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
