it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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