My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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