i was born a porn star she said
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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